Can’t love, won’t love? 💔

Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots, trying to make sense of the reason why those who said they loved us couldn’t follow through.

Is it me?

What did I do?

Why can’t they love me ?

Sometimes we’re so desperate to be loved that we think abandoning ourselves some more will bring them closer. Truth is, this self neglect hiding as ‘love’ only feeds the shame and resentment when our needs remain unmet.

In these moments of sadness and confusion, sometimes reframing the reality helps us understand that it’s not that the other person won’t love us, it’s because they can’t.

Racism is a toxic shame based system that shuts down our ability to attach to others in a healthy way. Without healing, we can’t unpick the poison we’ve inherited or what’s been internalised in our lifetime.

Without awareness, we recycle the pain and act it out through colorism, self hate and violence inside our families and relationships.

When we commit to doing the work, we give ourselves permission to grieve the absence of love from our traumatised village and the loss of not being allowed to be ourselves.

Today, I will remember that it’s not the black man against the black woman, but African people against white terrorism.