‘I’m stuck in negative thinking!’

Without a safe space to process, many of us have buried difficult feelings for years. Therefore, it makes sense that our negative thinking is the emotional leaking out of a difficult past. An important part of the healing process is understanding that it’s not linear. There is no golden destination and sometimes there will be moments when things just feel sh*t as the layers come off. In this week’s live, I share the 5 tools I use when this funk gets in the way. 

‘I don’t know what my needs are?’

One of the questions that clients often find difficult to answer is what they need. If we were raised in homes that were neglectful and abusive, we shut down because it wasn’t safe to express our feelings or needs. As adults, this pattern can show up as numbness, anger and resentment in people pleasing relationships so in this session, I share a tool that can help you reconnect to your feelings along with 8 important human needs to consider as a black woman. 

Are there benefits to celibacy?

Oooooo Gurl, you gonna need a drink and a comfortable spot for the next hour to watch this one as the Goddesses of the Round Table spill the tea on celibacy! How long is too long? How do you define it? Is it a choice or a trauma response? Does it include self pleasure? Join us as we unpack these questions with compassion, courage and lots of laughter. *Trigger Warning* we do talk on issues of abuse so if you need support after watching this you can book a 121 session with me at www.callme.juneallen.net 

Decolonising Desire is a course I’ll be delivering via the Sacred Sista Sanctuary mastermind to unpack and heal from racism in our relationships. Together, we’ll explore the following topics so you can show up confidently in your interpersonal relationships:

How racism shows up in our relationships.
How childhood shapes our capacity to love.
How to deal with sexual trauma, body shame and the fear of intimacy.
Understanding boundaries in relationships.
The art of receiving and the politics of pleasure.
Healthy dating and sacred partnerships.

Click here to to sign up.

😵 Family Scripts.

Many of us are compulsively hiding from our greatness because of the unconscious scripts we internalise from our dysfunctional families. Some of mine include:

I’m not allowed to be more financially prosperous.

I’m not allowed to be emotionally healthier.

Having my own needs is selfish.

And suffering is compulsory.

Until I became conscious of these scripts, there was always fear humming in the background that I would be shamed for wanting a different life and rejected after the, ‘who do you think you are?’ conversation.

Do you relate?

In healing, we learn that whilst our parents were the portals for us to be here, they do not own the rights to our future. If your currently drifting and life feels stuck, maybe its time to explore what family contracts are unconsciously sabotaging your greatness?

Today, I will remember that I have a right to live abundantly. In this moment, I will release the family scripts that keep me in bondage and begin to write my own without apology.

3 Step Trigger Repair #healinghack

Even if you’re not meeting up with family over the holidays, they may still be contact via zoom, phone and text etc. Therefore, its still important to be mindful about your triggers. This week I’m sharing a really simple 3 step process to help you deal with your holiday triggers.

  1. What are you feeling and is it really about the current conversation or something that reminds you of a wound in your past?
  2. What do you need? Maybe it’s being heard, understood or to feel safe.
  3. What must you do? Maybe you just need to remove yourself from the conversation by changing the subject, the company or the environment altogether!

Either way, the main focus must be on what comes alive in you when you communicate and to listen to your gut, needs and how you can restore a sense of emotional safety.

Can’t love, won’t love? 💔

Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots, trying to make sense of the reason why those who said they loved us couldn’t follow through.

Is it me?

What did I do?

Why can’t they love me ?

Sometimes we’re so desperate to be loved that we think abandoning ourselves some more will bring them closer. Truth is, this self neglect hiding as ‘love’ only feeds the shame and resentment when our needs remain unmet.

In these moments of sadness and confusion, sometimes reframing the reality helps us understand that it’s not that the other person won’t love us, it’s because they can’t.

Racism is a toxic shame based system that shuts down our ability to attach to others in a healthy way. Without healing, we can’t unpick the poison we’ve inherited or what’s been internalised in our lifetime.

Without awareness, we recycle the pain and act it out through colorism, self hate and violence inside our families and relationships.

When we commit to doing the work, we give ourselves permission to grieve the absence of love from our traumatised village and the loss of not being allowed to be ourselves.

Today, I will remember that it’s not the black man against the black woman, but African people against white terrorism.

What is emotional safety for black women?

After quite an emotional week last week I felt so grateful for my support network who were able to hold me through the melt down. With so many of the women I work with feeling grateful for  the space I hold for them to be vulnerable, I want to share my take on what is emotional safety and what it means for black women in their respective support spaces.

  1. Can they hear you?
  2. Can they see you?
  3. Can they feel you?
  4. Can they hold you?
  5. Can they walk with you?

Intrigued? Watch for a deeper exploration.

Relationship Crumbs?

When pain is a standard part of growing up, it makes sense why so many of us adapted by being need less and want less. Our care givers may say they loved us, yet failed time and time again to consider our needs.
 
Under the system of racism, there’s no room for emotional nourishment. It’s commitment to dehumanisation strips us of the ability to relate and care for each other beyond survival.
 
If we’re hurt too many times as children without repair, it’s easy to settle for relationship crumbs as adults. The deprivation then becomes an armor which allows us to hide in being strong for others, while we privately suffer the pain of intimacy being unsafe.
 
Sometimes we’re so afraid of loss, that we can’t ask for what we need. In healing, we grieve the loss of nurturing and release our need to be invisible.
 
In this moment, I will remember that I deserve to be seen and heard. Today, I will give myself permission to ask for what I want.