Today’s video is just a snippet of the themes I have been working with recently in session with clients of mixed heritage around colorism and the mother wound. I touch on the internalisation of racism from parent, identity confusion, racial shame and the power of mirroring as part of reclaiming the exiled melanated part.
I recently posted some content on social media from the black mother wound series about 5 types of toxic mothers which resonated with so many sistas. So today, I want to share a more expansive exploration about the topic to understand the abusive power dynamics that can exist within mother-daughter relationships. The more you understand, the more you’ll be able to articulate the impact on your well-being and what you need moving forward.
First, let’s talk about the narcissistic mother, whose self-absorption dominates everything. In her eyes, the daughter is not a separate individual but rather a competitor to be conquered. She uses shame like a weapon to control and manipulate, leaving her daughter feeling invisible and without any true sense of self.
Second is the overly enmeshed mother, whose smothering ‘love’ knows no boundaries. She disregards her daughter’s autonomy and demands that her own emotional needs be met at any cost, blurring the lines between where she ends and her daughter begins.
Third, we have the control freak mother, whose own life is chaotic and out of control. To regain a sense of power, she seeks to dominate every aspect of her daughter’s life, leaving her feeling suffocated, angry and powerless.
Fourth, these mothers are trapped in their own pain, addicted and unable to fulfill their maternal roles. As a result, wounded daughters often find themselves in a role reversal, caring for their mothers and neglecting their own needs in the process.
Finally, the fifth toxic mother type are those who neglect, betray and/or inflict physical violence on their daughters and fail to protect them from external abuse.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Understanding these dynamics is not easy, nor is it something you need to navigate alone. None of this is your fault. You deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished for who you are.
If you relate and feel ready to join me for the deeper work, there are still some tickets for the Managing Mothers Day half day, in-person retreat where we’ll explore the black mother wound and how to deal with the complexities of Mothers Day as a wounded daughter.
There are also some 121 slots available if you would like private therapy. Full details can be found here.
In this live stream I share what you can expect from attending the Managing Mother’s Day retreat. The half day in-person experience aims to assist black women in navigating the complexities of Mother’s Day, particularly for those with difficult relationships with their mothers. This retreat provides a safe space to address the challenges and offers strategies for self-care and healing the black mother wound.
Weaponised forgiveness for wounded daughters is a term used to describe the manipulation of forgiveness as a means to silence victims of harm, particularly daughters who have experienced maternal abuse. This concept is crucial to address as it stagnates our healing and allows the mother to maintain control over her daughter. By understanding the dynamics of weaponised forgiveness, we can begin to challenge its impact and explore healthier avenues for healing this part our our black mother wound.
In this weeks live, we explore the concept of the “black mother wound” and it’s significance in the black woman’s suffering.
Using an intercultural lens means breaking down this theory into three circles. The inner circle focuses on how the wound has impacted the relationship with yourself, the next circle layer will explore the relational power dynamics with your mother and the 3rd outer circle involves exploring the historical context of slavery and the Windrush generation to unpack how this impacts the intergenerational mother wound.
If you relate and feel ready to join me for the deeper work, there is still time to get your early bird ticket for Managing Mothers Day a half day, in-person retreat where we’ll explore the black mother wound and how to deal with the complexities of Mothers Day when you have a challenging relationship with her. To balance the experience, there will also be a chill space after the healing circle to play, craft and chat.
Self-silencing has been coming up a lot in session with my clients this week, and many are beginning to recognise the devastating consequences of this suppression on their mental and physical health. This behaviour has often been learned as a defense mechanism to keep us safe when a relationship or social environment has proved unsafe and punishing when we speak up.
Black women have also been taught inside systems of oppression that our voices don’t matter, we’re suppose to just suck up our pain and crack on with things no matter how much we’re being abused. It then makes sense why we become angry but can’t articulate why because we have a lifetime of unmet needs in a pressure cooker that has been slammed shut.
The healing process is about working with sista’s to explore the relationship they have with their voice. Some struggle to articulate their needs because the’re so numb and others find great relief in discharging the feelings and unburdening secrets that have kept them suffering for so long.
The black mother wound keeps a lot of folks in cycles of shame, guilt and fear of further rejection so self silencing is how we try and keep the peace, meanwhile there’s a war raging inside that robs us of our integrity and ability to show up in relationships as codependency takes root and becomes how we relate. For details on healing your mother wound go to www.heal.juneallen.net Do you relate to self silencing?
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My inspiration for today’s live was sparked from one of my favourite influencers, Candice Brathwaite. Candice’s fear and vulnerability during a dentist visit came with unexpected gentleness and care that brought her to tears. This really moved me and brought up reflections on so many of my clients exploring the impact of unmet maternal needs and the yearning for nurturing from women who look like them.
The discomfort often experience between black women often arises from unresolved mother wounds that create barriers to authentic connections. These painful dynamics are often hidden and is the reason why I’m so passionate about creating safe spaces where black women can unpack these issues without fear of judgment, and embrace the joy in receiving care and sisterly support. In a society where conversations about maternal relationships are often stifled, my platform stands as a sanctuary, offering solace and understanding to those seeking unity in sisterhood. Details about the Sista Sanctuary and the Heal and Chill session can be found at www.heal.juneallen.net
After years of navigating the complex relationship with my mother, (and now no contact), one of the most important things I’ve learned in the healing process is that motherhood is not just about my relationship with her. It’s about receiving maternal energy that can come from anyone who is loving and caring for your best interests.
Sometimes your mothers job was just being the portal that gave you life. Her traumatic entanglement with systems of oppression and inability to do her own mother wound work means that she is unable to meet your basic human needs as a child. Despite the pain of accepting this reality, there is hope my sista.
The reason I am here sharing my story and advocating for your inner child is because I found the courage over the years , bit by bit to allow other black women to care for me where my mother fell short. Being seen, heard and empowered by black, woman therapists and sibling sistas in recovery has been the magic that put me back together when I felt powerless, ashamed and unworthy.
I still have days when the grief is unbearable and the rage is intense, but I can take these truths to my inner circle and process, weep, unpack so I can show up for my daughter and support the community and my clients through sharing my journey.
Whatever your circumstances, however your mother treated you, it was not your fault.
You hear me? It was not your fault!
This bitch arse system also wants us to recycle the toxic maternal legacy of abuse, mistrust and self hate that keeps from loving on each other and grinding for them in order to get crumbs of validation.
You matter sis. I see you. You are not alone. ❤️
Next Tuesday 21 March 2023 at 8pm London time I am hosting a free healing circle on post Mothers Day self care for wounded black daughters. Click here to sign up.
I am so humbled after the success of the mother wound retreat. My first in person experience since COVID. In this video I share the key takeaways and reflections from the day. If you were not able to make it and need support for Mother’s Day you can still buy the workbook from my store in the above menu links.
In researching content for my Black Mother Wound retreat, I came across a powerful piece of writing that reframes the negative meaning of the ‘black’ sheep of the family. In this live stream I share my thoughts on how this position is an opportunity to reclaim your autonomy and break destructive family patterns!
The Black Sheep. By Bert Hellinger.
‘The so-called black sheep of the family are, in fact, hunters born of paths of liberation into the family tree.
The members of a tree who do not conform to the norms or traditions of the family system, those who since childhood have constantly sought to revolutionise beliefs, going against the paths marked by family traditions, those criticised, judged and even rejected, these are usually called to free the tree of repetitive stories that frustrate entire generations.
The black sheep, those who do not adapt, those who cry rebelliously, play a basic role within each family system, they repair, pick up and create new and unfold branches in the family tree.
Thanks to these members, our trees renew their roots. Its rebellion is fertile soil, its madness is water that nourishes, its stubbornness is new air, its passion is fire that re-ignites the light of the heart of the ancestors.
Uncountable repressed desires, unfulfilled dreams, the frustrated talents of our ancestors are manifested in the rebelliousness of these black sheep seeking fulfilment. The genealogical tree, by inertia will want to continue to maintain the castrating and toxic course of its trunk, which makes the task of our sheep a difficult and conflicting work.
However, who would bring new flowers to our tree if it were not for them? Who would create new branches? Without them, the unfulfilled dreams of those who support the tree generations ago would die buried beneath their own roots.
Let no one cause you to doubt, take care of your rarity as the most precious flower of your tree.
You are the dream of all your ancestors.’