Today’s video is just a snippet of the themes I have been working with recently in session with clients of mixed heritage around colorism and the mother wound. I touch on the internalisation of racism from parent, identity confusion, racial shame and the power of mirroring as part of reclaiming the exiled melanated part.
I recently posted some content on social media from the black mother wound series about 5 types of toxic mothers which resonated with so many sistas. So today, I want to share a more expansive exploration about the topic to understand the abusive power dynamics that can exist within mother-daughter relationships. The more you understand, the more you’ll be able to articulate the impact on your well-being and what you need moving forward.
First, let’s talk about the narcissistic mother, whose self-absorption dominates everything. In her eyes, the daughter is not a separate individual but rather a competitor to be conquered. She uses shame like a weapon to control and manipulate, leaving her daughter feeling invisible and without any true sense of self.
Second is the overly enmeshed mother, whose smothering ‘love’ knows no boundaries. She disregards her daughter’s autonomy and demands that her own emotional needs be met at any cost, blurring the lines between where she ends and her daughter begins.
Third, we have the control freak mother, whose own life is chaotic and out of control. To regain a sense of power, she seeks to dominate every aspect of her daughter’s life, leaving her feeling suffocated, angry and powerless.
Fourth, these mothers are trapped in their own pain, addicted and unable to fulfill their maternal roles. As a result, wounded daughters often find themselves in a role reversal, caring for their mothers and neglecting their own needs in the process.
Finally, the fifth toxic mother type are those who neglect, betray and/or inflict physical violence on their daughters and fail to protect them from external abuse.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Understanding these dynamics is not easy, nor is it something you need to navigate alone. None of this is your fault. You deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished for who you are.
If you relate and feel ready to join me for the deeper work, there are still some tickets for the Managing Mothers Day half day, in-person retreat where we’ll explore the black mother wound and how to deal with the complexities of Mothers Day as a wounded daughter.
There are also some 121 slots available if you would like private therapy. Full details can be found here.
In this live stream I share what you can expect from attending the Managing Mother’s Day retreat. The half day in-person experience aims to assist black women in navigating the complexities of Mother’s Day, particularly for those with difficult relationships with their mothers. This retreat provides a safe space to address the challenges and offers strategies for self-care and healing the black mother wound.
Weaponised forgiveness for wounded daughters is a term used to describe the manipulation of forgiveness as a means to silence victims of harm, particularly daughters who have experienced maternal abuse. This concept is crucial to address as it stagnates our healing and allows the mother to maintain control over her daughter. By understanding the dynamics of weaponised forgiveness, we can begin to challenge its impact and explore healthier avenues for healing this part our our black mother wound.
In this weeks live, we explore the concept of the “black mother wound” and it’s significance in the black woman’s suffering.
Using an intercultural lens means breaking down this theory into three circles. The inner circle focuses on how the wound has impacted the relationship with yourself, the next circle layer will explore the relational power dynamics with your mother and the 3rd outer circle involves exploring the historical context of slavery and the Windrush generation to unpack how this impacts the intergenerational mother wound.
If you relate and feel ready to join me for the deeper work, there is still time to get your early bird ticket for Managing Mothers Day a half day, in-person retreat where we’ll explore the black mother wound and how to deal with the complexities of Mothers Day when you have a challenging relationship with her. To balance the experience, there will also be a chill space after the healing circle to play, craft and chat.
Self-silencing has been coming up a lot in session with my clients this week, and many are beginning to recognise the devastating consequences of this suppression on their mental and physical health. This behaviour has often been learned as a defense mechanism to keep us safe when a relationship or social environment has proved unsafe and punishing when we speak up.
Black women have also been taught inside systems of oppression that our voices don’t matter, we’re suppose to just suck up our pain and crack on with things no matter how much we’re being abused. It then makes sense why we become angry but can’t articulate why because we have a lifetime of unmet needs in a pressure cooker that has been slammed shut.
The healing process is about working with sista’s to explore the relationship they have with their voice. Some struggle to articulate their needs because the’re so numb and others find great relief in discharging the feelings and unburdening secrets that have kept them suffering for so long.
The black mother wound keeps a lot of folks in cycles of shame, guilt and fear of further rejection so self silencing is how we try and keep the peace, meanwhile there’s a war raging inside that robs us of our integrity and ability to show up in relationships as codependency takes root and becomes how we relate. For details on healing your mother wound go to www.heal.juneallen.net Do you relate to self silencing?
View this post on Instagram
Did the holidays drag you out of denial?
January can be a tough time if you recently spent time with challenging family members. Any festive fantasies you had before may now be shattered by the harsh reality of the pain you’re in now, feeling confused, ashamed and alone with the powerlessness of their limitations.
If you relate, I see you. You are not alone, I see you. In today’s live, I share how you can deal with the pain of coming out of denial.
With the next Sista Sanctuary session happening on Tuesday evening, I want to give you a sneak peep at some of the heartwork questions we’ll be exploring in this live session.
The theme is Unity in Sistahood and in todays live I explore 4 of the questions we’ll do a deeper dive in on Tuesday…
Am I giving enough attention to nurturing and maintaining the sista relationships that matter most to me?
How do relationships with my family of origin impact how I show up in friendships with other black women?
Do I find it hard to let other black women care for me? Why?
How do I envision my ideal inner circle and the role of sistahood in my life? What steps can I take to move closer to this vision.
My inspiration for today’s live was sparked from one of my favourite influencers, Candice Brathwaite. Candice’s fear and vulnerability during a dentist visit came with unexpected gentleness and care that brought her to tears. This really moved me and brought up reflections on so many of my clients exploring the impact of unmet maternal needs and the yearning for nurturing from women who look like them.
The discomfort often experience between black women often arises from unresolved mother wounds that create barriers to authentic connections. These painful dynamics are often hidden and is the reason why I’m so passionate about creating safe spaces where black women can unpack these issues without fear of judgment, and embrace the joy in receiving care and sisterly support. In a society where conversations about maternal relationships are often stifled, my platform stands as a sanctuary, offering solace and understanding to those seeking unity in sisterhood. Details about the Sista Sanctuary and the Heal and Chill session can be found at www.heal.juneallen.net