One of the questions that clients often find difficult to answer is what they need. If we were raised in homes that were neglectful and abusive, we shut down because it wasn’t safe to express our feelings or needs. As adults, this pattern can show up as numbness, anger and resentment in people pleasing relationships so in this session, I share a tool that can help you reconnect to your feelings along with 8 important human needs to consider as a black woman.
Oooooo Gurl, you gonna need a drink and a comfortable spot for the next hour to watch this one as the Goddesses of the Round Table spill the tea on celibacy! How long is too long? How do you define it? Is it a choice or a trauma response? Does it include self pleasure? Join us as we unpack these questions with compassion, courage and lots of laughter. *Trigger Warning* we do talk on issues of abuse so if you need support after watching this you can book a 121 session with me at www.callme.juneallen.net
Decolonising Desire is a course I’ll be delivering via the Sacred Sista Sanctuary mastermind to unpack and heal from racism in our relationships. Together, we’ll explore the following topics so you can show up confidently in your interpersonal relationships:
How racism shows up in our relationships.
How childhood shapes our capacity to love.
How to deal with sexual trauma, body shame and the fear of intimacy.
Understanding boundaries in relationships.
The art of receiving and the politics of pleasure.
Healthy dating and sacred partnerships.
In this podcast June shares the importance of play as part of our healing, recovery process. Living under the oppressive system of racism is traumatic, and if we were raised in homes that also were chaotic, play is going to be something the can feel foreign to us because these environments will consciously and unconsciously keep us on high alert. Play is the opposite of trauma, so grab a tea and a pad to take notes as June shares how to bring more fun into your growth process. For details about the living in love programme go to www.love.juneallen.net
In this weeks live stream, June shares a beautiful example of forgiveness and what to do when the person you are trying to forgive is in denial about how they hurt you and are stuck in repeating their hurtful behavior. For more details about the offers in this session go to www.heal.juneallen.net
I have been feeling really angry the last couple of days and after a mammoth yoga session and some reflection I now know why. With all the stuff I am seeing about #harryandmeghan and so many white people denying racism is part of it, I thought this would help those of you that are also tired.
Racial gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where white supremacists (consciously and unconsciously) seek to maintain power and control through manipulation and bullying of non-white people. This is acted out through sowing doubt around the definition, experience and impact of racism (white supremacy) with an individual or as a group, making it difficult for them to trust their instincts, feelings and core sense of self.
Examples include, pretending not to see or understand racism, refusing to listen to those impacted by racism, minimizing our experience and the traumatic impact of racism. Verbal examples include:
‘It’s not that bad.’
‘Not everything is about race’
‘That happened along time ago’
‘There’s only one human race.’
‘You’re imagining things’
‘You’re to sensitive.’
‘ Why are you always so angry?’
‘ You have a chip on your shoulder’
This list goes on and on, I’m sure you have others. When your ability to trust yourself has been broken down, you are more likely to experience shame and put up with this type of abuse. Tools for wellness include setting verbal boundaries around what and who you choose to talk about racism with, then focus on taking care of yourself with these 3 principles of racial wellness.
1.Release. Racial stress can leave you feeling angry and frustrated so use physical activities on a daily basis to transform the trapped energy and emotion inside the body.
2.Reflect. Self-reflection is a crucial part of emotional literacy so schedule quiet time to observe and understand your feelings and reactions to the events. Use safe spaces in therapy, recovery and support groups to reduce isolation, shame and miseducation.
3.Renew. Use self-soothing behaviors and cultural nourishment to reset the balance and maintain your sense of self. No matter how small, these are powerful revolutionary acts inside a system that feeds your self hate.
You deserve peace so take the time to make these rituals part of your daily practice.
Last Friday I attended a powerful conference which focused on attachment with a cultural perspective. In this live I share my thoughts on the conference.
For more details on the Supporting Relationships and Families organisation go to www.serefo.org.uk
With UK Fathers Day around the corner, I’ve seen alot posts with anxious wounded daughters feeling sad about their absent fathers. When I talk about being absent, its not just about being physically absent, but also about being emotionally absent. Today, I’m sharing 5 Reasons why your dad can’t hear you.
- In order to empathise with your pain, he has to be connected to his own and he may not be ready for that.
- He may not be ready to face the consequences of the pain he has caused you. Apologies require the responsibility to take action and show up in the relationship with you and for himself.
- He may feel a lot of shame about his behavior which means this chronic sense of unworthiness will keep him triggered and feeling undeserving of having a relationship with his daughter.
- If he’s an addict and in active addiction it will be hard for him to see beyond his acting out behaviours.
- If he lacks the emotional maturity and is really disconnected from himself, he will continue to use you as a scapegoat to dump his feelings.
Watch the free web class below for tools and support.
*Abuse Trigger Warning*
With so much stuff in the news recently around #muterkelly a sista asks, ‘It takes a village to raise a child, but how can we heal when the village is wounded?’
This is an important topic because many of us get so caught up in the savagery of white supremacy, that it’s hard to look honestly at what’s going on in our community. In today’s video I share 3 ways we can take care of ourselves when dealing with toxicity in the community.
Find a safe, non judgmental space to process your feelings. This could be a therapist, addiction recovery meeting, or a support group. The goal is to find a space that oozes empathy and compassion.
Focus on your own pain and healing first, the village heals collectively as you do the work individually.
Build your own safe village. Many of us grew up in homes that didn’t feel safe so an important part of healing is letting go of trying to change family members who are emotionally unavailable to hear you.If you are looking for a safe space start or compliment your journey, go to www.sistacircle.juneallen.net to join the Bell Hooks book club.