In this episode, I share on the subject of codependency, which is the destructive form of self abandonment we adopt in response to living under the system of racism (white supremacy). Details of the show are as follows:
What is racial codependency within the system of white supremacy?
What is codependency in relationships?
The codependency 12 step recovery fellowship.
The characteristics and behavior patterns of codependency.
-Low self esteem
The power of detachment with love.
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Links, books and authors mentioned in this episode:
Greetings Mindful Yardie’s, I hope the day finds you well.
In today’s show I share on one of four layers of racial pain, the four layers are;
1/ Internalised racism and the relationship with self.
2/ Recycled trauma within our family of origin
3/ Community pain and the silence, enabling racial codependency which feeds the system.
4/ Oppressive social relationship with the institutions that control and maintain our oppression
Today’s focus is on our internalised white supremacist. I talk openly about the trauma of being black, and the impact this had on my relationships and identity in early recovery with a white sponsor and fellows. There are also lots of tools and nuggets to empower you and help you begin to understand and manage the pain of living under this system. The other 3 layers mentioned will be covered in next week’s show.
Links, books and authors mentioned in this episode:
Today’s show honor’s the 1st anniversary of the death of Dr Francis Cress-Welsing and how her book ‘The Isis Papers’ relates to the honesty required for taking the first step in recovery. I also share 3 important questions to ask yourself in order to stay empowered throughout the year, and beyond.
I am so excited about this year because I’ve been working really hard to get my experience, hope and tools out of my brain and into various formats for you to use in your own growth process. As you know I’ve already done a couple of podcasts, but I’m now ready to go much deeper with the content in relation to 12 step recovery. I am conscious of not wanting to just share about racism, but also the steps it takes to understand and maintain racial sobriety. The 12 step recovery process is where I started and continue to live in the solution for well being and counter racist mastery. As a result, I have also renamed the podcast, The Black Steps to reflect this content direction.
One of the most delicious things I adore learning is the powerful art of building relationships. When we lack self awareness, sometimes our connections can be a painful cycle of defensive reactions. However, as we learn more about ourselves, we can respond and nurture our relationships with a lot more emotional intimacy, awareness and clarity.
In today’s show I’m sharing 3 powerful ways to nurture your relationships today and beyond 2017. This holiday break is a great opportunity to begin nourishing the people and community that means so much to us.
I’m beyond excited for you today because it’s our first proper Yard of Greatness podcast show!
Today’s topic is about navigating boundaries, racism and the holidays. Most of us know that annoying person who drinks to much at this time of year, then thinks they can bring their fast self to you, asking for things that don’t belong to them (if you get my meaning smh!) Or you may have family members, pressuring you to engage in festivities you don’t like. With so many invites and celebrations to attend, it’s important to share how to practice good personal boundaries.
I also talk about why I flung Santa out of my yard, and all the epic stuff I do instead. Once you’ve listened to the show, I’ve included a downloadable empowerment sheet at the bottom of this post, to help you get clear on your holiday values and build a more authentic presence whatever rituals you choose to include going forward.
Just a quick one, I had another great session tonight on the C.O.W.S. radio programme (Concept of White Supremacy) with Gus T. Renegade. This week, we talked about the global influence of Donald Trump being elected as the new president of the USA. As Trump and the juggernaut of racism continues to bulldoze its way through our black minds and bodies, we need to take care of ourselves more than ever so we are better equipped to practice constructive counter-racist behavior. I have revised my ebook on managing racial stress which includes tools on how to understand your emotions, managing black rage etc. You can now download free here. I’ll upload the COWS radio show replay in the next few days.
It’s my birthday today!!! Yay! My blackalicious, melanoid magnificent, 48th earthday! Yes, I did say 48, and yes, I know my melanin is on fleek and I don’t look my age! #mytoyboydaysareover lmao! Ok, ok, laughing aside on a serious note, I’m incredibly grateful for another colossal year of growth, opportunity, and abundance. Whilst i’ve experienced some incredibly painful shifts in my personal life and as I’ve built this business, the experiences have seeded some rich layers of vulnerability and strength which have allowed me to connect with my delicious little plantain (Zuri), and my community at a much deeper level.
I just want to have some fun with ya’ll today, so I’m doing a little personal Q & A which you may find interesting or scroll on past. Either way, it’s my birthday so I’m going to be talking about myself for a change, tee heee. That was my professional cue to start talking about the importance of self love, etc but no. Today, I’m feeling very cheeky so I’m just going to bomb some random questions and answers to amuse myself and entertain you for a few mins. 🙂
I will run from….
Cockroaches! When I was 7, I went to Jamaica with my dad. At my grandmas house, there was an outdoor toilet in the yard. The seat was a plank of wood with a hole cut into it, but as I sat down to do my business, I felt something touching my bottom. When I stood up and looked to see what it was, the inside was crawling with cockroaches. I ran screaming from toilet and from that day, I just can’t..
My funniest parenting moment is…..
On Sunday’s I like to do a Jamaican soul food roast dinner with rice and peas, plaintain, apple crumble etc (yes, I know crumble is British before you message me!). Anyway, this one Sunday I wasn’t feeling well, so the dinner was basic and stripped of the cultural elements with the peas etc. When I served it up, my daughter gave me her disappointed screw face, and proceeded to tell me that the dinner was ‘white’. I’m still cracking up as I’m writing this!
A secret folks don’t know about me is…..
I’m actually an introvert! It’s still a struggle for me at times to be visible and connect with people, but I’m challenging myself daily to take bigger emotional risks. I am currently working on some podcasts and would love to do some public speaking in the future. I’m starting to get asked to do this kind of work a lot more recently so watch this space!
My 15 mins of fame is……
I worked as a professional model for 5 years and loved it! I had the opportunity to travel, do catwalk, magazines and music videos. It was an awesome experience, but what I also learned is that external validation is temporary and self esteem can only be built from the inside. That said, it’s still really cool looking back at my 15 mins. Recognise anyone?
I am most proud of……
My recovery journey hands down. Most of my past relationships were addictive, codependent and very destructive, but as I worked through the layers of shame, denial and rage, I found and rebuilt my broken self. In finding the courage to now practice racial intimacy, not only do I have more self esteem, but I am able to connect with my daughter and others in a way I never thought possible.
I got into this work because…….
As a third generation Jamaican slave descendant (born raised in the UK), I inherited an inter generational pathology of unexpressed, recycled trauma. After I passed my Psychotherapy foundation year, I hit another rock bottom after writing my dissertation which explored the consequences of slavery, attachment and intimacy in my life. Whilst the paper gifted me with a distinction, I was overwhelmed with the reality of how much racial trauma was still destroying my life and those I love. My rage at white supremacy and the pain of feeling powerless is what got me started.
What drives me is…….
Every time I feel like I want to give up, my daughters delicious brown face reminds me of what needs to be done. Seeing her grow, learn and thrive is what drives me. When I crawl through the grief layers of leaving those still committed to acting out their pain, I remember the importance of service, compassion and wisdom. I must pay my sobriety forward to those who want it and stop torturing myself trying to rescue those I think need it. What motivates me, is seeing the benefits of teaching counter racist behavior and practicing racial intimacy. What drives me is seeing my people win!
My shero is……
Dr Francis Cress-Welsing. A third generation physician who devoted her life to understanding the system racism (white supremacy ) through her book The Isis Papers. My work is about honouring her theories and building a safe platform around it for people to understand and process the difficult feelings which accompany living inside this abusive system. I hear alot of people saying that the answer to our liberation is self knowledge through studying our history, many say that it’s economic empowerment. These are valid pieces to the puzzle, but I believe our authentic freedom begins with facing AND feeling the truth of our traumatised history. We must find the courage to process the loss of our blackness, so we can rebuild our self esteem which will in turn nurture our communities at a deep level as a natural consequence.
I am now working on……..
The Isis Papers book study course which will be released in 2017. I can’t wait to share it with you. Register for updates at www.theisispapersbookclub.com
My vision is……
Black people have absorbed so much racial pain over the years, that our very blackness has become the trigger that disconnects us. My vision is to build something that will help us find each again and love fearlessly the way RA intended in the beginning.
Thank you for sharing my birthday and being part of my journey. Please pray for me as grow and continue to live in my purpose. I pray that you will also find the courage to become an active part of the movement for our healing through emotional empowerment, racial sobriety and fearless change to produce justice in our communities.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Till next time, your Sista in truth,
P.S I’d love to stay in touch so if you have not done so already, join the email list below for weekly inspiration, tools, and updates on services to help you shine in your blacknificence.