TBS16: Compassionate Parenting And The 3 Truths Behind Why We Still Whup Our Children.

 

In today’s show, I share 3 reasons why we still justify beating our children. I also reveal how compassionate parenting can help us stop. Details of the show includes:

Why I was scared to become a parent.
How and why we disconnect from our bodies.
Why we can’t admit that our parents were abusive.
Whupping black children is white supremacy on auto pilot.
Recovery, therapy and compassionate parenting.
 Enjoy x

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If you have any feedback, comments or questions ask me here.

If you would like to work with me you can find out more here.

Links, books and authors mentioned in this episode:

Dr Stacey Patton’s Website

Spare the kids.

Previous podcasts.

Racism and recovery for beginners

Attachment and the family.

Codependency and detaching with love. 

You can find lots of literature about racial wellness, addiction, and the 12 step recovery process in the link below in the recovery/addiction category:

http://www.yardofgreatnessstore.com

#racialsobriety #theblacksteps #recovery #sobriety #racism #whitesupremacy #blackempowerment #blackgirlmagic  #racialintimacy  #thetwelvesteps

 

TBS05: Understanding Racial Pain With Mindfulness Part 1

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Greetings Mindful Yardie’s, I hope the day finds you well.

In today’s show I share on one of four layers of racial pain, the four layers are;

1/ Internalised racism and the relationship with self.

2/ Recycled trauma within our  family of origin

3/ Community pain and the silence, enabling racial codependency which feeds the system.

4/ Oppressive social relationship with the institutions that control and maintain our oppression

Today’s focus is on our internalised white supremacist. I talk openly about the trauma of being black, and the impact this had on my relationships and identity in early recovery with a white sponsor and fellows. There are also lots of tools and nuggets to empower you and help you begin to understand and manage the pain of living under this system. The other 3 layers mentioned will be covered in next week’s show.

In service,

June x

Links, books and authors mentioned in this episode:

Dr Francis Cress-Welsing – The Isis Papers

www.theisispapersbookclub.com

Neely Fuller – The United Compensatory Code System Concept  For Victims of White Supremacy

www.producejustice.com

Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life

You can find lots of literature about racial wellness, addiction, and the 12 step recovery process in the link below in the recovery/addiction category:

http://www.yardofgreatnessstore.com

5 Empowering ways to connect with your child this summer.

You is broke.

Now that the school summer break is in full swing, how’s it going? Are you tired and fed up yet? I’m sure a lot of parents on social media saw the meme’s flying around at the end of term showing teachers jumping for joy, and parents already counting the days till their children return to school in the autumn. As much as we love them, caring for our children over the summer can often be emotionally exhausting. Many of us are left daunted by how we can enjoy the break and hold onto our last frazzled nerve at the same time.

 

A couple of summers ago beneath my fake, ‘strong black mother’ cape, I secretly dreaded the holidays and buried my shame around not really understanding how to bond or connect with my child. To avoid these feelings, my default was always to lean on the summer clubs so I wouldn’t be emotionally overwhelmed, or disrupted by the changes to my term time routine. Then last year, it hit me how fast my daughter Zuri was growing up. I felt ashamed and guilty about not enjoying the break, so I decided to plan a more strategic approach last year and use the space to love bomb her with cultural events and activities to make memories, focus on our relationship, and build our racial esteem as a family. This compassionate space was so powerful, that Zuri cried a lot when it was time to go back to school. I also missed her terribly which had never happened before.

 

Some of us may find this level of parental intimacy uncomfortable, because we’re not use to engaging with our children in this way. Our work responsibilities may create limited time, or maybe you were raised in an environment where parental play was not a priority so this feels awkward. If this is your story then it’s important to really be gentle with yourself. It might feel hard at first, but little and often works, and this is also a powerful opportunity to upgrade your pathology, and begin building a deeper legacy of connection with your child. Today, I am excited to serve you by sharing the tools and ideas we now use every year to slay our summer.  

 

Create the space to build closeness.

In order to be more present for our families, scheduling space to have fun and hang out is crucial. This will not only be used to spend more quality time with family, but also to give yourself permission to rest and be more emotionally available during the activities. Book and schedule whatever time you can get off work (even if it’s only a few days) and reschedule anything in the family diary where possible, that doesn’t support this commitment.

 

Use these bullet points to build your family bucket list.

I love this part of the process because everyone gets to be involved in building the program of fun activities. Set a time and call a family meeting to brainstorm the following……

  • Write a list of how each of you wants to feel about the holidays.
  • Ask each family member to contribute activities that are connected to how they want to feel. (this tool helps to build a child’s emotional intelligence, as they not only learn how to define their feelings, but also how to articulate what actions will meet those needs.)  
  • Research local events, music festivals, and museums etc, for any activities to explore. Include some same gender specific activities also to nurture the male/feminine  energy.
  • Choose some cultural s/hero’s you can research and learn about together.
  • Have a good list mix of scheduled events and chilled home activities, this way no one gets too overwhelmed with all the organisation and running around.
  • Plan how and when you will spread the events across each week.
  • Set some gentle boundaries around daily screen time, so you can all be engaged and committed to the activities.

 

Capture the summer experience in a creative way.

With most of us posting and storing our memories on social media these days, a hard copy family diary or scrapbook is a refreshing way to record our feelings, joys, challenges and events with good old fashioned paper and pen. A trip to the local pound/dollar store will provide plenty of scrapbook crafts to bring the joyous family quotes, pictures and stories to life. You can still post your fun on social media, but it’s always wonderful to read the diary entries at a later date and relive the warm fuzzy feelings that accompanied them.

 

Teaching life skills, feeds empowerment.

Teaching is so much more powerful than rescuing, but sometimes our busyness keeps us caught up in checking off our lists, instead of empowering our children with what and how things needs to be done. Cooking a simple meal, growing something, or sharing some easy financial literacy, are simple suggestions to get you started. As your child practices and perfects her new skill, you save valuable time as she’s now empowered to complete it independently. As a natural consequence of sharing this energy, The relationship will build between you as your self esteem and confidence grows independently. As a side note, it’s also important to say that this is not only about practical tasks, but also a chance to review and teach the family values. I have an earlier post on this with a free ebook, which will help you define and implement them as a family. www.juneallen.net/values

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Build racial esteem with cultural education.

The summer break is now one of our favourite times of year to work as a team, (hopefully with some sunshine) to explore, educate and celebrate our identity. What could be more irresistible to our black children than having a cultural learning experience within the community with engaged parents who adore spending time with them. In this month already, my daughter and I have attended our annual African storytelling festival which honoured the late Jamaican poet, Louise Bennett. We’ll be highlighting Marcus Garvey’s birthday on 17th August and also attend the annual steel band competition on 27th August at the Notting Hill Carnival. The African presence is not always taught appropriately (if at all) in ‘mainstream’ European dominated education. However, our cultural S/hero’s continue to provide a rich hue of flavor and black brilliance around the globe so we must continue to absorb and re-tell their stories as part of our legacy.

 

I know this piece has focused specifically on the summer holidays, but including more time for family to play during term time (even if its a hour at the weekend) is a great way to nurture and maintain your family self care. If your summer break has been a disaster up to this point, I hope this piece has provided some value to give yourself permission to restart and reclaim the joy in your family space! When we make the time to prioritise and implement these tools, our children will not only experience our love for them, but also how much we actually like them and adore being in their. I’d love to know you spent yours in the comments below.

 

Have fun,till next time.

June

5 Loving ways to manage racial stress.

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In my previous post, I shared Jesse William’s powerful speech from the BET music awards, where he shared the unapologetic truth about our black pain. Many felt empowered at being acknowledged on such a public platform, and his speech along with our appreciation went viral. However like clockwork, it didn’t take long for white supremacy to slap the hope out of our mouths, with an onslaught of black male murders, committed by racist white law enforcement. This erupted into violence, where officers were also killed in the fall out.

As I send virtual condolences to the families of the deceased, I am also deeply concerned about the impact of the video murders of Alton Sterling, and Philandro Castile on our black psyches. One of the most valuable commodities in maintaining white supremacy, is our ongoing traumatisation and emotional abuse. When we remain in this confused state, it’s much easier for us to be manipulated and controlled on mass.

I chose not to watch any of the videos, because seeing my people killed with impunity is to upsetting, and I need to be as present as possible in order to be productive. It’s hard enough that I’ve been trying to finish this post for the last 2 days, but my insomnia and the daily rise in dead bodies meant that I needed to just surrender to being human, and take some time to collect myself, before coming back with something supportive from an emotionally sober place. Now that I have refueled a bit, I’m sharing 5 simple tools to help you manage your racial stress.

Process not projection.

When we’re exposed to this trauma, we can feel powerless, angry and numb as a consequence of the initial racist abuse, and then the secondary social abandonment. Our body reacts to this emotional violence, by generating the energy which prepares us for a fight or flight response. If this is not discharged, it can end up being negatively recycled and projected unconsciously into our closest relationships. This means that our heightened state may cause more irrational responses towards our loved ones. We may also feel resentment, mistrust and anxiety around other white people in our personal and/or professional circles. These feelings are all completely normal, and if we’re able to be honest with ourselves whilst practicing the other tools, we’re less likely to act on them in a destructive way.

Discharge the energy.

Discharging this energy involves doing an activity which will help to process and move the stress outside the body. When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted from very little sleep and still feeling anxious and emotionally numb. However, after 30 mins of Jamaican style movement to some banging Afrobeats, I felt a lot more present and willing to engage the day. Other suggestions include,

  1. Punching pillows or the bed (in private). Set a timer for 1 min, and fill up the time. When I do this exercise, I also like to picture someone who represents my upset. May I appropriately suggest Donald Trump or for my UK people suffering after the rise is racist attacks after Brexit, you can use Nigel Farage or Boris Johnson. Pick what works for you and pound it out. You’ll finish exhausted, but so much lighter.
  2. Take long, deep, conscious breaths for 3 mins and visualise the negative energy leaving your body.
  3. Rage journaling is where you allow yourself to do some free flow writing about your feelings, cussin’ to the max when necessary! Finish off with some slow breaths and a gratitude entry.

Self – Soothing

Self soothing techniques can really help the recovery process, as you consciously practice behaviors which will reconnect you to yourself. This self care is about self-compassion, being gentle in the same way you would a young child. Use each of your 5 senses (vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch) and right a list of your favorite things to build a  self-soothing toolkit. You will recognise a lot of these simple techniques, but to practice them more consciously will empower you inside this system of powerlessness.    

 

Discharge (5)

Community

Community spaces, particularly at this traumatic time are incredibly important. Choose one that feels safe with people you trust to share feelings and give support. Religious organisations and culturally specific support or recovery groups can be great resources to find help and explore your feelings. Community empathy from your tribe can be very healing and great for processing our collective grief.

Boundaries

Our personal boundaries mean that we can identify and communicate clearly what is acceptable to us. At this vulnerable time, the natural reaction may be to withdraw and protect ourselves emotionally and psychologically, so understanding where the boundaries are, are an essential part of the healing. It will also help to have an honest discussion with your family about how you will deal with this, and be clear on where your boundaries are as a unit. Consider carefully where your triggers are regarding social media and take a break if needed.

In closing, Jesse Williams explained that ,‘it is not the job of the oppressed to comfort the bystander,’ so if you need to take some temporary time away from your white friendships, give yourself permission to do so. You are under no obligation to justify or engage in conversation about your boundaries with any white supremacist, ‘all lives matter,’ ‘not all white people,’ ‘what about black on black crime,’ ‘not all cops,’ ‘yeah, but he should have moved his right foot,’ rhetoric, which are clear deflections from the truth about the war on black people. It’s your pain, your choice.

Be tender with yourself, till next time

In Service

June

Simple Self Compassion For Entrepreneur Stress.

Your abundance will reflect your ability to be self compassionateLaunching my business has been THE badass chapter in my life. I felt charged expressing my creativity, and raw stepping into the vulnerability which stretched my business muscles. Despite all the excitement, nothing could have prepared me for the juggernaut of emotions and exhaustion that also came with it. The sleepless nights, the writers block, and fear of being seen (but still wanting to be heard,) ran rampant alongside which web host to use, what marketing strategy to pick, where to find my audience and how to serve my community without starving and so on, and so on.
Inside the initial struggle with overwhelm, I knew I needed  some tangible  tools that would help me stay present in the actions and not be paralysed by the anxiety. I knew that part of the process was pushing through the fear, but I also wanted some simple, mindful ways to honor and process my feelings without feeling like my new venture was a form of self inflicted torture. After trying several different things, the following tools are the ones that kept showing up to keep me calm, present and focused.
1. BUSINESS JOURNAL.
Like anything else we try that’s new, there will always be some anxiety around change, there may also be a fear of failing, or not earning enough to be fully self supporting. This  business  journal  isn’t  about recording meetings or ideas, but to explore the difficult emotions you may be experiencing around taking the action. Without openly acknowledging  your feelings, you could leave yourself vulnerable to self sabotaging behaviors  like procrastination and perfectionism,which will quietly eat away at the self esteem underneath your goals and intentions.
There is something powerful that happens when your brain connects with your heart and transforms energy through the pen.  When I answer the following questions in my journal, I  am able to bring up and discharge the negative energy blocking my ability to take action.
How do you feel about taking the action?
What thoughts come up about taking the action?
Is there an inner self critic talking? What is being said?
How do theses thoughts and feelings manifest in your business?
How would your inner business badass respond to the critic?
Do you need to connect with someone else for feedback or support?
How would love suggest that you approach your next action- (1)
Self reflection will help you understand how you tick and where the triggers are. Honesty in your writing will move you through the negative feelings and help you decide on the next loving action for you and your business. Staying present in the process is a powerful tool for stretching your emotional intelligence as an entrepreneur, and can often result in epic, creative divine downloads.
2. SELF CARE BUDDY.
I often hear about the power of accountability in business mastermind groups or with action buddies. However, sometimes I can find myself workaholically driven by a business action partner, so having someone to commit my self care actions too regularly, means that I am consciously connecting to what I need everyday to take care of myself, instead of just reacting to the demands of my to-do list. There is no right or wrong way to do this and I have used several methods which have all worked. It may be a short 10 min call to check in how you feel and then commit 3 actions that are self compassionate. You could also just text or commit your actions into my Facebook group ‘Yard of greatness,’ as long as the actions are done, that’s all that counts. You’ll be amazed at how great you will feel, and how much more productive you are after doing this for a while.
3. SCHEDULING AND PREPPING SELF CARE.
This is the most important action of all. We all know how important self care is, but so many of us get distracted and often cave in to the demands and busyness of life. If you really want to start thriving in your life, your business and your relationships, this has to be a priority. It can take a little while to get into the habit, but the rewards are serious game changers. I have watched lives and relationships transform when self love is put at the top of the list.
Your abundance will reflect your ability to be self compassionate, so schedule some time out and prepare what you need the day before to make sure it happens. I’d love to hear from you if you have tried any of my suggestions or what you do as alternatives. Tweet me @juneallendotnet if you have found this content useful, and don’t forget to subscribe so we can stay in touch.
Till next time,
Love and Blessings,
June.