Can’t love, won’t love? 💔

Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots, trying to make sense of the reason why those who said they loved us couldn’t follow through.

Is it me?

What did I do?

Why can’t they love me ?

Sometimes we’re so desperate to be loved that we think abandoning ourselves some more will bring them closer. Truth is, this self neglect hiding as ‘love’ only feeds the shame and resentment when our needs remain unmet.

In these moments of sadness and confusion, sometimes reframing the reality helps us understand that it’s not that the other person won’t love us, it’s because they can’t.

Racism is a toxic shame based system that shuts down our ability to attach to others in a healthy way. Without healing, we can’t unpick the poison we’ve inherited or what’s been internalised in our lifetime.

Without awareness, we recycle the pain and act it out through colorism, self hate and violence inside our families and relationships.

When we commit to doing the work, we give ourselves permission to grieve the absence of love from our traumatised village and the loss of not being allowed to be ourselves.

Today, I will remember that it’s not the black man against the black woman, but African people against white terrorism.

Should you join the Sacred Sista Sanctuary mastermind?

It would be easy for me to give 1000 reasons why joining the Sacred Sista Sanctuary mastermind is great, but hearing it from someone who has got so much out of it hits different. In this weeks live, I share more in depth about how the sacred space is helping so many sista’s like what you can see from this wonderful email I received.

‘Working with June has been transformational for me. Having attended various programmes on self care and healing it struck me that they could not fully benefit me because they didn’t have the cultural context, or understand the experiences unique to women of African and Caribbean descent.

June provides a safe space where you can speak your truth without judgment or criticism, which gives you confidence to learn how to set healthy boundaries with your friends and family. Working with her has allowed me to look deep within, to have significant insights and breakthroughs which I would not have accomplished if I was on this healing journey on my own.

She gives toolkits on how we as Black women can navigate the system of racism we live under; she helps us find the language to articulate what it means to live under this system that for a long time I could not name, and for a long time not even aware was affecting me.

This work is not easy. It compels you to question everything about who you are and whether holding on to certain beliefs are benefitting you. To live authentically you’ve got to do work like this; and with lots of humor, straight talking and love, June is your guide on how to confront social and cultural sacred cows and taboos, and to lay bare the ways Black women have had to literally carry the burden of the world. Once you know you can’t un-know.’

Angie Osbourne.

Best selling Author of 100 Great Black Britain’s.

To join the Sanctuary go to www.join.juneallen.net

Body Shame Clap backs 👀

Every time I get dressed, my inner critic laughs at my lockdown love handles, shaming me about what others would say if they saw me naked.

When she pipes up, I say STFU and feel gratitude for the extra curves that kept me alive through this pandemic the racial stress and sadness of loosing my dad.

With lockdown now eased in the UK, some of you have told me that you’re anxious about seeing family over Christmas because they won’t stop opening their toxic mouths about your body.
‘You”ve put on weight.’

“You’re too skinny.’

‘What happened to your hair?’

‘What have you got on?’

Blah blah blah yada yada yada

Sometimes family think they have the right to say mean things just because you’re related. Folks got so much shit to say about you, but can’t get their own crazy lives together.

Repeat after me.

This season, I will stop giving my previous energy to anyone I would not go to for advice. If folks take it upon themselves to verbally assault my body, I will remember that I am a queen and will clap back that my body is my business.

👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾

My body is my business.

My body is my business.

My body is my business.

(If you’re feeling brave, keep this one in your back pocket.)

👏🏾 👏🏾👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾👏🏾 👏🏾👏🏾

Your toxic mouth is not welcome!

Your toxic mouth is not welcome!

Your toxic mouth is not welcome!

Expansion

When we’re raised in environments that don’t allow us the space to grow, we unconsciously adapt our behaviour to suit the external demands. This can also happen in healing where tools which worked for us at one time are now blocking our expansion.

Greatness requires us to not get complacent about our journey, no matter how long we’ve been on the road. Our evolution requires an ongoing shedding, unlearning and buffing.

Today, I will remember that there are still glorious, deeper depths of greatness for me to discover. In this moment, I will open my heart with willingness to embrace the next adventure.

(c) June Allen

What is emotional safety for black women?

After quite an emotional week last week I felt so grateful for my support network who were able to hold me through the melt down. With so many of the women I work with feeling grateful for  the space I hold for them to be vulnerable, I want to share my take on what is emotional safety and what it means for black women in their respective support spaces.

  1. Can they hear you?
  2. Can they see you?
  3. Can they feel you?
  4. Can they hold you?
  5. Can they walk with you?

Intrigued? Watch for a deeper exploration.

Relationship Crumbs?

When pain is a standard part of growing up, it makes sense why so many of us adapted by being need less and want less. Our care givers may say they loved us, yet failed time and time again to consider our needs.
 
Under the system of racism, there’s no room for emotional nourishment. It’s commitment to dehumanisation strips us of the ability to relate and care for each other beyond survival.
 
If we’re hurt too many times as children without repair, it’s easy to settle for relationship crumbs as adults. The deprivation then becomes an armor which allows us to hide in being strong for others, while we privately suffer the pain of intimacy being unsafe.
 
Sometimes we’re so afraid of loss, that we can’t ask for what we need. In healing, we grieve the loss of nurturing and release our need to be invisible.
 
In this moment, I will remember that I deserve to be seen and heard. Today, I will give myself permission to ask for what I want.
 

Birthday Truth.

Birthdays can be bitter sweet as you get older because the celebration of another year is also a reminder of the relationship losses and regret around the things that have not manifested or worked out.
Last Friday was my 52 birthday and I work up with so much sadness from being in lockdown and isolated from those I care about.
It would now be easy to beat myself up for the sadness and force a fantasy of euphoria and gratitude when I was actually feeling an avalanche of lockdown grief.
In accepting this truth, I allowed the day to dip and rise without judgement. By the evening, I was overwhelmed with gratitude from teaching a virtual class that celebrated the 1 year anniversary of the magical Ghana retreat.
Being transported back to the motherland with my business partner Faith and a group of beautiful sistas gave me hope. A powerful reminder that this COVID insanity is just for today and I can build joy into my future staying committed to knowledge and service.
In healing I’ve learned that the truth is a powerful path to self acceptance. Today, I will remember that every feeling matters and I don’t have to suffer with them alone.

What does, ‘doing the healing work’ actually mean?

In this weeks live I want to talk to you about what doing the healing work actually means. We often hear the phrase thrown around on the wellness circuit, but does it actually mean in practical terms?

  1. It means telling the truth, firstly to ourselves.
  2. Asking for help in spaces that understand racism as a system and are culturally competent.
  3. Staying willing to trust the process, letting go of the outcome and taking the baby steps needed to move forward.

Know Thyself.

To know thyself is to honor our inner world. It’s falling in love with ourselves at the deepest, richest level.

In homes where pain is the head of the household, knowledge is forbidden. In a system which demands our silence, intimacy is fused with abuse.

With knowledge comes the wisdom of emotional sobriety and saying no brings the precious gift of serenity.

Freedom to think, seeds the freedom to feel. Freedom to feel brings the fearless change that liberates us from the strain of under-being.

In healing, as we release the lies we believe about ourselves, we close the gap between who we think we are, and who we really want to be.

In this moment I will remember that authentic intimacy with others must begin with divine intimacy with the self. When I dare to embrace my greatness, I also light the path for others to do the same.

 

If you enjoyed this love note from June you can click here to get them in your inbox every week.